Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
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Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️