I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive