that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
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For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I beg your pardon?
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.