Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.