Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

#have a #great #PancakeDay

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

#StillHurts

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

im 7 sauces long

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.