Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?