me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
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i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi