Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

Me: how are you

Friday: good

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.