Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

#milo

ㅤ

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home