when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.