I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
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The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
🙂🐾
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.