i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
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The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*