Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
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Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad