[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
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My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
pep talk
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
#CatsOnTwitter
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.