Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
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Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
*launders Kohls cash*
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
me before I type out affect or effect
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda