[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
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At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My daily affirmation
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]