I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
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it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Yup….perfect score!
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.