You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
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Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?