What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
You Might Also Like
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
WTF
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
LA today:
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!