Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income