My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
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date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.