*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
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Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I ate everything, including the H.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”