long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
This is what makes twitter great
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
me
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.