At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.