me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
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[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.