My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
You Might Also Like
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Effort made
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free