My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
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“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.