Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
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Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’m giving up for Lent.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.