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I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
😂😂
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
All generalizations are stupid.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.