One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
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[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My dog ate my work from home.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume