Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
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Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.