Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
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“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
synchronized noseblowing
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Worst bar ever.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light