(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
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*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”