Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Sorry not sorry.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.