MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
5 ways to appear taller
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats