YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
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I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers