5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
why no one uses midhusbands
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.