Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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That’s easy for you to say
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.