Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
He-man has a Masters degree
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.