Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
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Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*