I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
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Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
so weird how every mom was born today
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave