It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
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Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….