“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I bet
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.