Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
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Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
The Compass
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Thursday Thought.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa