if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
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we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Taking phone security to the next level.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable