genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
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I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Hank is one in a melon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.