FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
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Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre