INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
You Might Also Like
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
It do be feeling this way.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.