Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
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I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Happy Febuary everyone!
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”