My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
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If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
The struggle is real.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you